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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

J-Rod takes over Fantasy Football: The Cardinal Rules League

Hey everyone!!! I'm back with a new post!!! Did you miss me? You did??!!! Thanks to the both of you.

Before I go any further, I would like to put out a little disclaimer: this entry may use language and/or innuendo that many people will  find offensive. If you are easily offended by crude/suggestive language, I suggest you stop reading now.

Without further ado, it is on to the topic of my blog.

A few months ago(I would approximate around the end of May or the middle of June) I was approached about organizing a fantasy football league amongst my coworkers. Naturally I was excited about the opportunity to do this, and I did not hesitate to take the reins as commissioner of what is now The Cardinal Rules fantasy football league.

So I gathered nine other coworkers who shared near the passion I did for football, and the league was off and running. This was not an easy task, as sports fans know that fantasy football geeks like me are an odd bunch. I know, I know, spend way too much time analyzing football. I need to find another hobby. Or a girlfriend. Of course what would be even better is finding a girlfriend who doesn't mind my unhealthy obsession with football. Ha Ha

Anyway, back to the league. As I said before there are ten teams in The Cardinal Rules, with nine of them being owned by guys, and the other being owned by a girl. But more on that later.  We schedule a draft that is held at Buffalo Wild Wings, not close to where I live, but close to another league member.(At this point, you are probably wondering to yourself, it's already week three of the NFL season, why is he just now getting to his draft? Two reasons: a) I wanted to give you a taste of what my draft is like and b) having taken a job working for the Armchair Report( as a freelance writer, I have kind of been burnt out as of late, which is in part why it has taken me so long to write another blog entry.)

So the draft is not near my house, and the reasoning behind that is that everyone else is closer to the other location, and that one of the member's girlfriends works there--she would get us 25% off of food. Nevermind the real reason he wanted it there is he wanted to play kissy face with his girlfriend. Which is okay, but I am the commish. Next year we have the draft where I want it, or make sure your girlfriend has a single girlfriend for me. Or you can book Jillian Barberie to host our draft. If not, then we're having it where I say we are.

Jillian Barberie, weather correspondent for Fox NFL Sunday, can host my fantasy football draft anytime.

Before I go any further, I guess I should take a moment to name the teams in my league. By the way, I am not making this up, these are actually the team names (I'll let you figure out which one I am):

Suck My Vick!!!

Put me in the Game Coach!!!!




J-Rod Attack

ShortNorthwest Posse



Pecker of Pleasure

As luck would have it, I have the last spot in the draft, No. 10. Not only does that mean I pick last, but, since it is a snaking draft(meaning the order goes first to last, then last to first) I also have back to back picks. And as the league commissioner, I have to moderate the draft too. Another reason to book Jillian Barberie for next year, ha.

So we finish the draft, and among the highlights are me repeating to one of the members that 'yes that player has already been drafted' on more than one occasion, everyone giving me shit cause I opened by saying 'Welcome to fantasy football're all gonna finish in second place' and my personal favorite, upon Eli Manning getting drafted, I deadpan 'well someone's gotta draft him.'

Fast forward two weeks, and things are not looking good for the commish. The league is being dominated by team Suck My Vick!!!, and, what's worse, that is the lone team run by the girl in the league. I won't go over her whole team, just name a few players:

QB Tom Brady, NE  RB Ray Rice, Bal, RB Peyton Hillis, Cle, WR, Wes Welker, NE  WR Kenny Britt, Ten

When I say she is dominating the league, not only is she 2-0, she won her first game by 87 points while her team scored 178 points (most I have ever seen in a standard league). She followed it up in week 2 with another victory, this time scoring 145 points. And I have the fortune of playing her this week.

My lineup looks like this: QB Drew Brees WR Santonio Holmes, WR Dez Bryant RB Maurice Jones Drew RB Mike Tolbert.  I also have Steven Jackson who is a top three back every season until he gets hurt(which is a guarantee almost every season) and, wouldn't you believe it? He is hurt once again. Oh, and did I mention she also has the other TE for New England(not Hernandez)? With 10 starters in our league, we both have other players, but you get the idea...her team could defeat mine by 20 while she sits two of her starters, based on past performance. But you never know.

My only regret though is not drafting Hillis. Dude is a beast, and, at 6'1 250 pounds, not only is he bigger than most running backs, he actually dwarfs the fullback blocking for him. He was the MVP of a team I had last year that just missed the playoffs cause the only other player I had was Aaron Rodgers; this season I was poised to draft Hillis, and I thought no one would take him before the third round(I believed two things: a) many of the league members, new to fantasy football, would not be nearly as draft savvy as yours truly b) none of the members were Browns fans, which I have also come to learn is not entirely true either. That's the thing about ego. Analyze stats all you want, but let your ego enter the draft even the slightest bit and you end up paying). Technically, no one did take him before the third round, but, as I had the last pick of round number three(No. 30) luck would have it he went with pick No. 25.

It's still early though, and there is no reason for me to panic yet, even if I do get blown out on Sunday.